


In My Dreams

by AbbyBelle



Series: Shy [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-23
Packaged: 2018-01-20 14:26:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1513823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbyBelle/pseuds/AbbyBelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard recalls some of the events of her life post-War.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Contains citrus.

She stared off into the sunset, the cold wind ruffling her short, baby-fine red hair. There wasn’t any point to life without him in it. It had been months since they had found her… months since they had dug her out of the rubble.

The burns had covered ninety percent of her body. Broken ribs, a ruptured lung, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken pelvis had been the damage.

She wished she would have died. At least then she could have been with him in the next life.

“Shepard… Shy…” the soft voice of Liara didn’t phase her. She didn’t even flinch. “You need to eat.” She said, crossing the room to sit beside her bed. Shy didn’t answer. She never answered, and she never ate. Even as they pumped her full of nutrients, she was slowly wasting away.

Six months, three days. Six months and three days since she had destroyed the reapers. Since the Normandy had fled, with him aboard it. _Kaidan…_ she balked at even thinking his name. It hurt too much.

Liara talked to her for a few minutes, before trailing off into silence. The Asari always brought her news of the recovery of Earth, of the memorials, of the work on the Mass Relays.

Shy never cared. She simply stared out the window, soft grey eyes hazy and unfocused.

Eventually, Liara tired of talking and excused herself, with the promise of returning the next day.

Soon enough, they turned on the drip, pulling her back into her dreams.

 

* * *

 

_He had the most sad, soft, dark brown eyes. When he looked at her, she could feel the flush working across her neck. So she started coming down to talk to him. At first, he had been very formal. Shy had lived up to her name by making a fool of herself and fleeing._

_He was a stickler for rules and regulations, never mind that as a Spectre, she was above influence of the Alliance. But then, he had known her before, if barely… maybe that was why he was so uncomfortable around her._

_Eventually, he was calling her by her name… her last name, but still. Baby steps._

_She told him about Mindoir and The Blitz. He shared the story of Rahna, and “Brain Camp.” He never said it, but she knew… he had cared for that girl, much more than as a friend._

_“Maybe after…” he had said in that soft, husky voice._


	2. Guilt and Reports

Her eyes slowly opened. They had moved her bed so she could look out the window, when they had discovered that it was the only way she would so much as open her eyes.

 _Six months, three weeks, five days._ She had lost yet more weight. The doctors didn’t understand it; the nutrients they were pumping into her body should have more than sustained her… and yet, she grew ever more thin.

“… and Admiral Hackett has deployed the Marines to quell the riots and looting in the south. A few defectors, nothing too serious. They’re just stirring up trouble.” Liara leaned forward and captured Shepard’s hand, holding it between her own blue pair gently. It hurt her to see the Commander so weak, so unhappy.

“Still no news of the Normandy… of course, it takes months to travel any distance, even with FTL. So they might still…” she trailed off, eyes on the once strong, willful woman. Now it seemed the only thing she willed, was her own death.

* * *

 

_“Take Ashley. Kaidan, I need you with me to arm the bomb.” She said firmly, silencing the childish bickering of the Lieutenant and gunnery chief with a firm look. “Garrus! You’re with me and Alenko.” She called. Then they were running, dodging bullets and giving aid where they could._

_Kaidan had questioned her releasing the Salarian STG members, especially after the first attacked her. But she couldn’t leave them to die. Just as the slaves were given the choice to run. She couldn’t leave anyone to die. Not after Ellysium._

_And then she had to choose._

_It ripped her heart out, hearing Ash on the comms, telling her to go back and save Kaidan. But she had. She had gone back for him, had fought Saren while defending him._

_And he blamed himself for her failing._

_“Why me? Why did you save me?”_

_“I could never leave you behind.”_


	3. Logistics and Hopelessness

There was a new visitor that day. “Commander Shepard. I… I had heard it was bad, but never imagined…” the voice of Admiral Hackett in the place of Liara’s. He spoke of numbers. The casualties, funds to rebuild, rations… Logistics. The kind of thing she had loved during her time with the Alliance. When it drew no response, he saluted her before turning and walking away.

* * *

 

 _“Grounded!” she sobbed, sinking to the floor. It was too much to bear. She had killed Ash, and couldn’t even honor her memory by finishing the fight. The council had decided the threat was eliminated, along with Saren’s base on Virmire._  

_So they grounded her, locked the Normandy down, put her in reserve._

_Shy was shaking, trying to smother her sobs. The Normandy was all but abandoned, the rest of the crew taking advantage of their sudden fortuitous shore leave. She knew Joker was on board… he was taking being grounded almost as hard. Almost._

_His footsteps were soft. If she weren’t hyper aware of her surroundings, she might never have heard them. “It isn’t right.” She didn’t reply, lowering her head to hide her tears. She felt like a failure… an absolute failure._

_“Is there anything we can do?” he asked, frustration plain in his voice. “No. Udina backed it. He… he says that we’re on lockdown until after..” she trailed off, voice cracking._

_Then there was a hand in her vision, held out to help her up. She took it, and he pulled her to her feet. Stumbling, Shy fell against his chest, looking up at him in surprise and dismay. Her eyes were red and swollen, tears still falling._

_“Shepard…” he said softly, brushing his thumb across her cheek to wipe away a tear. Then he was cradling her head in his hands… His mouth close to hers…_

_“Commander! Incoming message from Captain Anderson.” Joker said suddenly. The two jerked apart guiltily, Shy scrubbing her face with the back of her hand. “Joker… Were you spying on us-me?” she asked accusingly. “No ma’am, just uhh, knew you’d be on board. Anderson wants to see you. You can find him at Flux.”_

_“Guess we better get going then, huh?”_


	4. Love and Cookies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Citrus ahead!

_Seven months, two weeks, five days_.

She was slow to open her eyes today. She felt tired… so very tired. Even the view out the window wasn’t enough to make her want to really wake up.

It was snowing. Soft, large flakes fluttered past the window. The sky was a dismal grey. “Lola?” The voice of today’s visitor asked inquisitively. When she didn’t acknowledge him, James moved to sit beside her, patting her hand gently. He didn’t yammer at her. Instead, he let her have her silence, his hand resting on top of hers in a gentle, warm, heavy weight.

“You look bad, Lola.. Dios mios, you’re so thin. I wish I could bring my Abuela up here… she could get you eating. She makes the best cookies.” He said after a few hours. Then he stood, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

Then he was gone, just like all the others.

* * *

 

_“You were right. About everything. I think about losing you and… I can’t stand it. The galaxy will keep going… everything, even the Reapers will come around again. You and I… We’re important right now. This is… what will never happen again. Us. Shepard. You make me feel… Human.”_

_And suddenly they were kissing, mouths pressed together firmly, lips parted. Shy gasped, melting against him. His hand slid down her back, curving to cup her butt and pull her tighter to him. “We’re traitors anyways, what’s a little fraternization?” he whispered against her collarbone before he pulled her shirt over her head._

_Her bra followed, with a few choice curses from him. Then his mouth was on her nipple, drawing a deep gasp from her throat. “Ah!” she whimpered, squirming and reaching for his own shirt._

_Kneeling, she looked up at him as he slowly pulled it over his head, revealing his sculpted chest and abdomen, lined with dark hair. Her mouth found his hip as her hands fumbled for his belt. He made a soft sound of appreciation as she ran her tongue slowly across his abdomen, hands slowly pulling his belt free of his pants. When her hands found his zipper, he stilled them gently, tugging them to raise her to her feet._

_“Shepard… Shy. I want… I want this to be perfect.” He murmured, kissing her softly. His mouth was soft against hers, so very soft. “Kaidan… I have you. It already is.” She replied, tears coming to her eyes unbidden. His thumb traced over her temple, before he leaned forward and ever so gently kissed her tears away._

_This time, when her hands found the front of his pants, he didn’t stop her, instead allowing her to sink to her knees, taking his pants down around his knees as she did. He strained against his Alliance issue black boxers, already growing hard._

_She looked up at him before placing a soft kiss just under his navel, the soft hair that ran down from his chest tickling her lips. He caressed her hair softly, staring down at her with a look of wonder as she caught his boxers with her teeth, tugging them down before releasing his pants and finishing the job with her hands. He was large, even only half hard._

_She wanted to see him completely hard._

_Leaning forward, she pressed her pale pink lips to the soft skin of his cock, running gentle kisses up to the tip. There, she rubbed her tongue against him. Slowly, softly. A groan of pleasure was her reward. Rubbing her hands up his thighs, she slowly took him in her mouth, smiling around him as he made a strangled sound._

_Then she pulled back, eyes on his face. Those gentle honey brown eyes were hazy with desire, his lip dimpled where he had bitten it. Pleased, she lowered her gaze, savoring every inch of him._

_When she was looking straight forward again, she couldn’t help but gasp. He was thick and long, his shaft a darker tan than the rest of his skin. A drop of pre glimmered on the tip of him._

_“Kaidan. I need to tell you…” Shy began, looking at the floor between her knees. “I’ve never… I was waiting for the right time. I’m…” she trailed off, afraid to look up at him. Then his hands were on her cheeks, raising her gaze. “Never?” he asked in a soft, husky voice. Her only answer was an embarrassed nod._

_“Shy, are you sure? I understand if you don’t want this. If you want to wait.” Kaidan murmured, eyes on hers._

_Shaking her head, she climbed to her feet, hands reaching down to the buckle of her pants. His eyes tracked them as she slowly undid them, letting them slide down her thighs, her calves, until they pooled around her ankles. Then she stepped out of them, looking up at him uncertainly. “You’re so beautiful.” He said in a voice full of wonder._

_Stepping forward, Kaidan wrapped his muscular arms around her, pulling her tight to him. The only thing that separated them now were her black lace panties… which his hands swiftly pulled to her knees. Then he kicked his own pants and boxers off, kneeling to bring her panties the rest of the way down. Shy rested her hand on his shoulder as she lifted first one foot, then the other out of them._

_Then he was on his feet, and she was stumbling backwards towards her bed, his body following hers eagerly. When her knees bumped the edge of the mattress, she fell back, thighs falling open. He followed without hesitation, leaning down, body between her thighs, to capture her lips with his hungrily._

_Shy moaned when his body rubbed against hers, curling her lithe legs around his waist and pulling him to her. Then she twisted, rolling them over so that she was on top, Kaidan trapped between her thighs. “Shy…” he gasped as she arched her hips, rubbing him against her body. Her entrance was already wet with need._

_“Kaidan!” she moaned as she reached between her thighs to position him. He was shaking with excitement, pre covering the tip of his cock as she grasped him firmly._

_Then she was pushing down on him, hissing sharply as he entered her. “Shy, God, so tight!” he gasped out, eyes fluttering.  Whimpering, she arched her back, rocking her hips. It felt so good, HE felt so good. “Oh Kaidan, oh gods!” she moaned loudly, falling forward onto her hands, rocking herself desperately. The burning heat of her building orgasm was so strong, she could feel it in her feet._

_And then she’s coming, body clenching around him as she bites her lip to keep from screaming. Kaidan is looking up at her, brown eyes dark with the knowledge that it was his body that did that to her… that he was the first. “Come for me Kaidan...” she whispered, pressing her mouth under his ear. He shivered slightly. “Shy, I don’t think..” he began, before she sat up and started to slide herself up and down his cock._

_It wasn’t long before he came inside her._

_They fell asleep tangled in each other’s arms, her hair spread across the pillow._


	5. Duty and Triumph

When her eyes flickered open, Liara was looking down at her, wonder on her face. “Shepard. You were smiling in your sleep. I haven’t seen you look like that since you and Kaidan…” she trailed off, eyes uncertain.  She had noticed the light dim in Shy’s eyes, and wisely shushed herself.

“Shepard, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” She said softly. Then she leaned down, placing a kiss on the clammy skin of Shy’s forehead. Then she excused herself.

The hours passed slowly that day. _Seven months, three weeks, six days_. She was quiet, even more so than usual. Her chest barely rose and fell, the sound of her breath a soft rattle.

“Shepard.” The stern, dual toned voice of Garrus Takarian, Primarch of Palaven. He seated himself beside her, staring down at her. The silence seemed to stretch for eternity, but in truth, it was only ten, fifteen minutes at the most.

“You taught me about duty. MY duty, to my people.” He said suddenly, mandibles twitching slightly. “You never let me rest, never let me stop fighting. Even at my darkest days, even when the galaxy had gone to hell in a hand purse- is that the right saying?” he paused for a moment, blinking those large brown eyes. “Ahem. Anyway. Shepard, this isn’t like you. You’re a fighter. Fight it. Do you think the Major would want to see you this way?” he asked, shaking his head slightly. A soft buzzing indicated a call on his omni-tool, and he excused himself, leaving her to her thoughts.

* * *

 

_Her arm and chest were screaming in pain. Her breathing sounded ragged and loud in her helmet. She had that helmet to thank. When Sovereign had collapsed, she had been too close. As the arm of the ship had struck the ground behind her, a catwalk had come sideways, smashing into her arm and throwing her onto the floor. Her helmet-with her head still inside it- had wedged between the catwalk and the floor, leaving just enough space between her and the living ship for her to not be crushed. She prayed her team had made it out before, but she didn’t know…_

_Shouting voices brought her back from the edge of darkness. “Captain! We found them!” she heard in the distance. The voices sounded tinny and so very far away. The answering voice was muffled, but recognizable. Anderson. She couldn’t make out what was said, or who answered, but the stony silence was enough. They thought she was dead. “Ander-“ she wheezed, trying to get the air to shout. “Anderson! Help!” Shy called, voice cracking. The voices were steadily growing quieter. They hadn’t heard her._

_A feral snarl escaped her as she began to squirm. She would NOT die like this. She would NOT leave Kaidan behind. The catwalk leaning on her helmet creaked ominously as she jerked her head free of it. Her helm sat there grimly, her last line of defense against a rather painful death._

_Then she began to dig. Well, dig may not have been the right word. Using her good arm, she shifted piece after piece, listening to the quiet voices. They were closer than she thought…_

_Straining, she tried to move a particularly large piece of debris, but it wouldn’t shift. Clenching her teeth, she braced her broken arm-yes, it was broken- and pushed as hard as she could. A large clang echoed through the suddenly quiet building._

_“Shy.” It was just a whisper as she finally saw the light. Everything was blurry. Her eyes refused to focus._

_“SHEPARD!” she heard, followed by awed murmurs and excited shouting. She slid down the side of the reaper, falling on her butt and banging her elbow on the way down. She gasped when she hit the ground._

_Shy hadn’t screamed since she was just a child. She wasn’t going to start now._

_The shouting redoubled as a few men split off, running towards her. Medics. They wanted to put her on a stretcher, carry her out. She refused. She had her pride. And she could see it in Kaidan’s eyes as she limped over to them._

_Twining her hand into his, she joined them as they began their torturously long walk down the tower stairs._

_With his hand hot and sweaty against her own clammy one, she was glad she had elected to walk._


	6. Misunderstandings and Breathlessness

She couldn’t remember opening her eyes, but open they were. The warmth in her hand didn’t cease, and for a brief moment, she felt hope surge inside her. Then is dimmed as she saw it was only Liara again.

Shy didn’t understand why the Asari kept coming back. She had troves of information to go through, contacts to make, credits to earn. And yet there she stood, hand clutching Shepard’s like a lifeline.

“Shepard, you were smiling at me.” Liara said softly, those blue eyes sparkling. As she said it, Shy felt it. She was most certainly smiling, that same smile, so full of affection, that she had given Kaidan years ago. It curdled on her lips, her eyes growing dim again as she realized. It wasn’t him.

Liara continued to babble, refusing to relinquish her hold on Shy’s hand. “… knew you felt that way about me, Shepard.” she was saying. Shepard didn’t answer, or even acknowledge her. She just sat there silently, letting the Asari run her course.

When she leaned down to place a kiss on her lips, Shy flinched away, hand spazming and clenching the Asari’s. Had she not been weak as a kitten, she may have broken her friend’s hand. As it was, Liara withdrew, a hurt look crossing her face. Then it quickly smoothed back into that calculated blankness she used as her “Shadowbroker” face.

“I see. Well, I must return to my base. Goodbye, Shepard.” The way she said it sounded rather final, even to Shy’s ears. But instead of responding, trying to save their friendship as she would have done before, she just sat there, propped up in her bed until the nurse came in and activated her drip.

The last thought she had was _Eight months, two weeks, six days._

* * *

 

_Shy smiled beatifically at nothing, her uniform a little wrinkled. She was still dwelling on the week of beautiful, wondrous, amazing shore leave she and her Lieutenant had taken. It was strange, but in the months she had known him, she had come to care for, and yes, even to love him. She knew it was too soon to say as much, but she felt it. And sometimes, when he looked at her, she thought he felt it too._

_“Shepard. What can I do for you?” Liara had asked softly when Shy had stopped by to chat with her. “Just checking on the crew.” She replied happily, bouncing on her toes. Her thighs still throbbed and ached from the new exercise she had spent the last week putting them through, and bouncing kept the muscles from tightening. “I see. Well, I was wondering-“ the Asari began._

_Shepard never got to find out what she was wondering. That was the point the alarm had gone off._

_“Commander! We’ve got a ship on the scanners!” Joker’s voice cut through the alarm. “She’s changed course to intercept.” Shy threw Liara an apologetic look before turning and darting away, headed for her quarters, where her armor was currently stashed. “Get us out of here, Joker!” she snapped, sliding into the elevator at punching the button._

_“Aye aye, ma’am!” he responded. His lack of smart remarks or whining told her that he was worried. And if the best damn pilot in the Alliance, if not the whole GALAXY, was worried, then so was she._

_Charging through the door to her cabin, Shy tore off her uniform, quickly squirming into her mesh bodysuit. It took her under five minutes to get her armor on, her pistols snapped into position on her back._ Not a bad time, _she reflected._

_Then she was out the door and in the elevator, headed down to the crew area. As she waited, a tremor shook the ship, causing her to tense. She was not surprised when she opened the elevator to fire. “Shy! We’re evacuating now, but Joker won’t leave the cockpit! Pressley isn’t answering his comm. I’m on my way up to get them.” Kaidan shouted to her over the roar of the flames.  Shaking her head, Shepard threw him a fire extinguisher instead. “I’ll get him! You get the crew evacuated, we’ll meet up on the rescue ship.” She countered, watching worry deepen the lines on my forehead._

_“Shy…” he began, only for her to cut him off with a sharp gesture. “That’s an order, Lieutenant!” she shouted, turning and darting up the stairs. Another blast rocked the ship, throwing her against the door. As it opened, a high pitched whistling filled her ears, making her glad she had opted to grab her helmet. Flames shot out, riding the oxygen through the hull breach before dying in the airless grasp of space. Her mag boots were the only thing keeping her from following the flames out, making her glad she had purchased them._

_Picking her way across the ship seemed to take forever, though in truth it was only a few minutes. Finally, she saw the orange light indicating a cockpit shield. She nearly sagged with relief. Instead, she tromped on, passing through the shield to collect her pilot._

_“Commander, I’m not leaving her!” Joker shouted, his voice cracking in fear. “I’m not leaving her! I can save her! I can still SAVE HER!” he said, clinging to his consoles like a child who feared losing their toy. “Joker, the evac pods are leaving! We have to go, NOW!” Without waiting for a response, she seized him, wincing internally as he yelled in pain. She would feel guilty later. Slapping his helmet on his head and sealing it, she tossed him into the pilot’s evac pod… out of the corner of her eye, she saw the beam, and dimly knew. It was for her._

_“I’m sorry.” She whispered. Joker looked confused for a moment, then realization hit. “Commander! NO!” he shouted, struggling to his feet to stop her._

_She sealed the door, just as the beam hit. It cut through the Normandy like it was paper. She locked eyes with him as the pod began to detach, trying to be confident. She had free floated before. It was terrifying, but she would live._

_Then the explosions began. A loud shrieking cut the remaining air as she was thrown backwards, away from the ship. For a brief moment, her hands caught at the edge of the hull. Then she was thrown free, smacking into the edge of the hull as she went._

_And then it was quiet. She free floated above the planet of Alchera, trying to stay calm, taking slow, even breaths. Her oxygen would last until help arrived, as long as she stayed calm._

_Something whipped past her field of vision, causing her to turn her head slightly. A hose shook next to her, dispelling what looked like steam… only it wasn’t, she realized with dread._

_Scrabbling, she tried to rehook it, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get it back in. The air in her helmet was growing stuffy and hot with her increasingly panicked breathing._

_That was when she started to scream._


	7. Seizures and Emails

“She’s not breathing! We need to get her on oxygen!” someone shouted. There was clamoring all around, people yelling, and machines beeping. Something was hitting her in the chest. If she would have had the air, she would have been screaming. From the raw feeling in her throat, she had been in her sleep.

“Heart rate is coming back up, she’s stabilizing!” a triumphant voice crowed. Dimly, she was aware of something in her mouth, sliding down her throat. Panic bit at the edge of her awareness as she tried to lift her hands to claw at whatever it was. They felt heavy, tingling in an alarming way.

“Commander, I’m Doctor Grant. You had a seizure in your sleep. Luckily, a nurse was passing by and managed to get a tracheal tube in so we could induce breathing. You weren’t out for very long, but we’re going to leave someone in here to monitor you, just in case…” the doctor trailed off, then cleared his throat. “Okay, everyone but Linda, clear out. Linda, please keep me informed of any changes. You know what to watch for.”

Shy lay there, a machine helping her breath, and for the first time in months, slept without the help of a single drop from her IV.

* * *

 

 _She was shaking in fear. He had messaged her, but she was unsure of what it would say. The beep of her omnitool had let her know someone had pinged her, but when she saw the name on the message… It had been an hour that she just sat there, staring._ Kaidan, _she thought, body hunching at the mere thought of his name. She had fought hard, pretended nothing was wrong…._

_But when he had walked away from her, he had taken her heart with him._

_After another hour, she had gotten up the courage to listen to his message. It wasn’t what she thought it was. “Maybe after…” he had murmured, reminiscent of the conversation that started it all._

_It was the last thing she heard before she went through the relay to rescue her crew._

_When she had been placed in the brig, pending trial for genocide, she had listened to it in the late hours of the night._

_“Yours, Kaidan.”_


	8. Heartache and Flight

It had been a while since anyone had visited her. She didn’t mind; she liked the quiet, the peace. She thought maybe, maybe they had finally given up. She knew she had. _Nine months._ Shy wasn’t sure why she kept track of the time that had passed since he had gone missing. All it did was make her heart ache.

Though maybe that was, itself, the reason. It reminded her that she was alive. She spent her days in a borderline vegetative state, her nights dreaming of him, of her life.

Looking back, she almost wished she had never met him. Almost.

Her heart monitor skipped slightly, the only indication of the pain thinking of him caused her. Idly, she wondered if this had been how he had felt. Empty of anything but pain. Her heart monitor skipped again. _I never believed that heartbreak could kill you,_ she thought. But if the way her heart reacted to thinking about him was any indication, it very much could.

* * *

 

_“Kaidan.” Shy balked slightly, backing into her guard, one Lieutenant Vega. The man jumped. He had a serious case of hero worship for her; she had seen it. She could also see the pain in his eyes, so much like her own over her actions._

_“Shepard.” Kaidan said softly. His soft, husky voice caused her to visibly shudder. It had been so long, so very, very long… “Major Alenko, what…” Anderson interrupted with an apologetic look, taking Kaidan aside to quiz him about the lay of the land, as it were. She just stared, grey eyes locked on his own honey brown pair._

_“Major, huh? I hadn’t heard.” She said when they returned to her and Vega. “Yeah, sorry, I was…” Kaidan began, trailing off under her look. She was proud, but also a little bitter. Who knew where she would be right now if not for that collector vessel? “I understand.” She said softly, smiling at him. He smiled back, and that was a start._

_As she and Anderson left the two men in the hall, she noticed for the first time the change to his uniform. “Admiral, huh? You deserve it, Anderson… though the council doesn’t need someone like Udina in your place.” She continued, gratified to hear the slight snort from her longtime commanding officer and friend._

_The meeting went better than she could have hoped, with the Alliance agreeing that something was wrong, and even asking her advice._

_She was in the middle of detailing her plans when the call came through. “Sir, we’ve lost contact with Luna Base!” a balding, rotund man called from a monitor off in the corner. “The Moon? How did they get here so fast?!” Anderson demanded, turning towards the Parliament. Shepard was already staring out the window, her pale face ashen._

_“Go… Go!” she found her voice, shoving Anderson towards the door. An explosion ripped the air around her. There was crashing and banging, then for a few brief, blissful moments, darkness._

_“Shepard! SHEPARD!” Anderson was shouting her name, shaking her shoulders slightly. As her eyes flickered open, he hauled her to her feet. The sound of screams echoed between explosions. She didn’t hear any close to their position. The Reaper had hit its target. “Take this.” Anderson demanded, shoving a pistol into her hand. “Alenko, Vega. Meet us at the Normandy.” He continued in clipped, brisk tones. An assent must have sounded, because Anderson waved her out the window, onto the terrace._

_As they pounded across the wreckage, Shepard stole glances at the ever-growing chaos around them. “Husks!” Anderson bellowed, sliding into cover and opening fire. Shy growled under her breath, aiming over her wrist, one eye squinting around the beginnings of a shiner. Soon the husks were all gone… and so was her ammo. “Anderson, I’m out!” she called as they resumed their course._

_When the next wave hit, she hissed slightly, eyes narrowing as a shimmering field of blue covered her body. She knew from experience the things couldn’t handle being dropped, but she rather hoped she didn’t hit anyone with their corpses after she threw them off the side of the building._

_Panting, Shy turned, hands skimming across the access panel to the building they needed to cut through. “Anderson, go!” She said, gesturing him in ahead._

_After the chaos outside, the room was almost frighteningly quiet. As Anderson began to work his way through the next door, Shy looked around for spare ammo… only to see something pale poking from a vent in the wall. Crouching, she peered into the darkness, weary of an attack._

_She was surprised to see a child, the child she had watched play outside her detainment quarters for weeks now. That little boy with the dark blond hair and scruffy jacket. “Here. Come here. I won’t hurt you.” She whispered in what she hoped was a soothing voice. “You can’t protect me.” He replied softly._

_“Commander!” Anderson called sharply. Looking at him, then looking back, she was distressed to find the child gone. “Sir.” She said, standing and taking position next to him on the door. As it slid open, the familiar scream of a husk filled the air. Startled, she flared blue, putting her fist through the thing’s face._

_“Come on.” The Admiral ordered, holding the door open while she slipped inside. Looking around the rubble, she found a service grate that was still relatively intact on the other side of a beam. Carefully, the two made their way through it. Once there, they began their creeping crabwalk across the grate._

_When her foot slipped, Anderson caught her and yanked her back from the edge, muttering “I got you,” as he did._

_Then they were out, blinking in the bright light-_


	9. BAT scans and The Run

There was a light in her eyes. Someone was talking to her softly, hand holding open eye as they examined her pupil. When they released it to check the other side, her eyes opened, causing the person to sit back. “Sir, she’s waking up!” a soft, female voice called. Soon a man, the doctor, Grant, came into her field of vision.

“Ma’am, are you aware of how long you were out? We thought you might have slipped into a coma… you have been out for 76 hours. We’re going to be taking you downstairs to do some tests, okay?” Shy didn’t answer, just stared ahead blankly.

Nodding at his assistants, they laid back her bed, attaching her IV to a hook dangling above her for ease of transport. Then they wheeled her out of her rooms into the hallway.

The sounds of the wheels clicking on the floors would normally have driven her half mad were she in a healthy state of mine. She hated doctors, hated medical professionals in general, really. She also hated being helpless. So she just lay there as they took her down for a BAT (Brain-wave Abnormality Test.)

The scan is over quickly. Abonormal beta waves, but that was nothing new. She could hear them talking outside the scanner. “… frontal lobe…. Cruel to let this go on… lost the will….” Shy heard distantly. She didn’t care. It was dark in the scanner. Dark enough to sleep, where she saw him in her dreams.

* * *

 

 _“Don’t leave me behind again.” He whimpered, voice cracking. She could see the tears in his eyes. “Kaidan. Whatever else happens, know I have a_ lways _loved you.” Shy said softly, cupping his cheeks as she leaned down. Her own eyes were blinking rapidly as she claimed a kiss before pulling back and watching the Normandy take off._

_Then she was running towards the beam, grim determination set on her face. She had no doubt that she would die._

_The sound of swearing behind her made her smile tightly. It looked like Anderson had joined the party, after all._


	10. Acceptance and Loss

_Eleven months, five days_. She looked like a skeleton, her eyes and hair had lost their shine, and she could no longer move. It felt like the end was finally coming for her. _Let me go to him_ , a voice she dimly recognized as her own, whispered in her head. She finally acknowledged to herself that he was truly gone. He would have found her by now if he weren’t. He would not have rested until he held her in his arms, soothed her hurts, and whispered his love for her.

 _He’s gone,_ was the last thing she thought before the darkness that had crept into her vision for days, if not weeks now, consumed her.

* * *

 

  _Shepard had been awake for several weeks now, following her three month coma. Visitors had been restricted when she had begun feeling ill and in pain. One hand rubbed at the hard knob of her belly in wonder._

_She was worried what Kaidan would think about the small life growing inside her. She knew it was a little girl. She knew her womb was positive for Eezo. She had yet to hear of a second generation biotic… no other biotics had given birth, as of yet._

_Her soft grey eyes were tired, but shone with wonder. No matter what he said, she was keeping the child. She had survived her mothers’ hurtle from space, starvation, and Eezo exposure. She was practically a mini-Shepard already._

_Another twinge in her belly interrupted Shy’s thoughts, and she stood carefully, her feet finding her slippers so that she could cross her sterile hospital room to pee. She had been doing that a lot in the last week._

_As she made her way back, the twinging grew stronger. It was almost painful at this point. Had she eaten something bad? It didn’t feel like the other twinges she’d had, which were usually caused by gas or hunger._

_Shaking her head slightly, she paused at the feel of something wet on her inner thigh. She had just went! Surely she hadn’t peed herself? It usually only happened when she sneezed, coughed, or laughed._

_With a snort, she turned back towards the bathroom… only for the world to tip crazily. Falling to her hands and knees, she gagged, the most intense pain she had ever felt ripping through her abdomen. As the stars cleared from her vision, she glanced down between her legs._

_Blood. There was so much blood._

_For only the third time since Mindoir, she screamed._

_It didn’t take long for the doctors to arrive. They were calm as she continued to scream herself hoarse, making soothing sounds even as they slid needles into her IV tracks._

_They gently lifted her back into bed, unlocking the wheels before hurriedly rushing her to the surgeon’s desk. Her screams had faded into whimpers at this point, the drugs they had put into her system calming her down._


	11. Reunions and Emptiness

“Baby..?” a soft, hesitant voice whispered. Her eyes flickered behind closed lids, but that was her only response. She looked so… faded. He had never seen anyone so close to death. Other than corpses, maybe. Softly, he stroked her limp red hair, the backs of his fingers caressing the sharp planes of her cheek, which had once been full and vibrant.

“Shepard… Shy… It’s me. I… I need you to wake up honey… you have to wake up, okay?” he said, voice cracking. He had crossed the Galaxy without Mass Relays to find her. The sight of her emaciated and unconscious was almost too much for the few shreds of sanity he had left.

“Please…”

* * *

 

_When she came to, she felt… strange. Empty, pained… what had..? “My baby?” she croaked, causing the woman standing by the edge of her bed reading her charts to jump. “Shepard…” Miranda said softly, an almost sad look on her face. “I’m sorry but…”_

_Miranda didn’t even have to finish before Shepard was crying, soft, silent tears._

_The next time someone spoke to her, she didn’t respond… nor would she for the next nine months._


	12. Comfort

“Kaidan..?” a soft, rapsy voice, next to his ear, enquired. Sitting up tiredly, he looked around, rubbing a hand through his soft hair… before realizing it had been her.

“Shep-Shy?” he breathed, unable to believe it. He had sat by her day and night, talking to others only when they explained her condition. The loss of her- _their_ , he correctly himself silently- baby had wrought havoc on her, according to all sources.

“Am I… Am I dead?” she whispered, unable to summon her voice after almost a year of disuse. “I hoped to die so I could see you again.” Shy continued, eyes half open. She could barely make out his horror and sympathy at her words.

“No, honey. You’re alive. We’re alive.” He whispered, pulling her gently to his chest. “I didn’t… know…” she gasped, beginning to shake in his grasp. “I lost… I lost...” she couldn’t get it out, no matter how hard she tried.

“Shhhhh, it’s okay honey. It’s okay Shy.” He whispered, stroking her hair. He held her until she had cried herself to sleep. The doctors glared when he crawled into the too-small bed with her, but he gave as good as he got, frightening the majority away.

He would never let her go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... this is it. My first fanfic posted here. Yes, it's part of a series, and yes, it's out of order. But this one was under my skin and had to be done first.


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